10 Toys From the 80s That Just Don’t Care
1.Garbage Pail Kids – If Cabbage Patch Kids were gross
These trading cards parodied the 80’s super phenom Cabbage Patch Dolls. Scabby, bloody, pussy characters like Adam Bomb, Crusty Chris, Juicy Jess embodied every kid’s worst nightmare about their favorite dolls. Screw your childhood playtime memories. Garbage Pail Kids don’t care.
2.Lawn Darts – Weaponizing play time
What could be more fun than two children standing 50 feet apart hurling giant darts at each other? Is it really a good idea to let your kids play something that could easily end in an object lodged in their skull. Doesn’t matter. Lawn Darts don’t care.
3.The Green Machine – Need for speed
This pedal-powered ride-on offered little kids the chance to do their very own Dukes of Hazzard stunts by adding a “stick shift” that put the three-wheeler into a thrilling spin-out. The more speed you picked up, the the more dramatic the spin. Whiplash and road rash were the hallmarks of this popular toy, but The Green Machine just don’t care.
4.Pogo Ball – The Devil’s compromise
How can we take the inherently awkward pogo stick and make it even more pointless while simultaneously removing all support and control? Make it a bouncy ball stuffed into a flimsy plastic ring for standing and there you have it – a really dumb toy made even dumber by the potential to fall directly on one’s face at any moment. Pogo Ball don’t care.
5.Gobots – The poor man’s Transformers
What do you do if you’re the 1980’s toy company that didn’t get the merchandising rights for one of the biggest toy and cartoon phenomenons of the ‘80s? You make a cheaper, dumber version and hope that some parents will be attracted to the price and think it’s just as good as a real thing. Gobots were to Transformers what the Flower Kids were to Cabbage Patch Kids. Thousands of adults today are still dealing with the trauma of getting this knock-off bummer of a toy from beaming parents and then having to suffer through the humiliation of all your friends knowing you don’t have a real Transformer. Ain’t nuthin’ like the real thing, baby…but Gobots don’t care.
6.Teddy Ruxpin – Skynet is becoming aware
Back before the internet and devices that respond to vocal commands this toy was a curiosity. This talking teddy bear had a tape cassette deck in it’s back that played stories. Teddy’s eyes and mouth moved to simulate reading the story aloud. Not only was this early animatronic animal creepy as all hell, it felt like a precursor to something more sinister to come – a society where privacy is an illusion and even our entertainment devices monitor us. Nah…it’ll never happen! But whatever…Teddy Ruxpin don’t care.
7.Moon Shoes – Defying gravity…kinda
Like the Pogo Ball this is another horrifying compromise for people who didn’t want the hassle and expense of setting up a trampoline but also would buy just about anything to get those damn kids out of the house for five minutes. Moon Shoes were mini-trampolines you strap to your feet. Just like the Pogo Ball they had potential for some pretty dangerous topples. And just like the Pogo Ball they were completely pointless. They literally achieved the exact same effect as jumping up and down by yourself, only with less range of motion and zero control….but Moon Shoes don’t care.
8.Barbie Hair Braider – Hair-raising hell
This twisted little contraption had two prongs that little girls were supposed to clip small sections of hair into. Pumping the handle makes it spin, supposedly creating a neat little Barbie-like “braid”. The problem was that it was anything but neat and more girls ended up having to cut this thing out of their hair than being the envy of 4th grade. It was a ratty nightmare machine, but what does the Barbie Hair Braider care?
9.Troll Dolls – Naked Nightmares
Grotesque, wrinkly, tiny rubber dolls with bright swatches of scratchy hair. Worst of all, they were naked and (thankfully) without genitals. It was a discomforting creature to look at and it didn’t talk, walk or provide any type of entertainment. Troll Dolls were originally invented in 1959 but saw a resurgence in popularity in the ‘80s along with a wardrobe. They even got the Hollywood movie treatment in 2016 (yes, with clothes). Useless and nightmarish? Yes. Do they care? Nope.
10.My Buddy Doll – Dolls for boys
Once upon a time a struggling junior marketing executive looking to pitch something fresh and new to his sour boss came up with a brilliant untapped market – boys and dolls. So was born My Buddy, the playful doll for boys. Buddy wore a baseball cap and sneakers and was definitely a masculine boy doll and every commercial was sure to picture Buddy and his buddies doing masculine boy things in masculine boy ways just in case there was any confusion. Buddy became the inspiration for horror-doll legend Chucky, who is now arguably way more famous than his doppleganger. Buddy looked horrifying and inspired horror, but guess what? Buddy don’t care.
Just kidding....Kira is a writer, actor and suburban housewife and mother. Her mantra is "If I can't do it from the couch, is it really worth it?"
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