PHANTOM SWAY

    • The Rise of the Atomic Weasel

    Last week it was renegade beavers, now it’s weasels getting weird.

    And then it got weird

    Weaseled out

    They spent $7 billion on a particle accelerator and didn’t even spring for the weasel-proofing. Total rookie mistake.

    Weasel Apparently Shuts Down World’s Most Powerful Particle Collider

    The Large Hadron Collider, a 17-mile superconducting machine designed to smash protons together at close to the speed of light, went offline overnight. Engineers investigating the mishap found the charred remains of a furry creature near a gnawed-through power cable.

    “We had electrical problems, and we are pretty sure this was caused by a small animal,” says Arnaud Marsollier, head of press for CERN, the organization that runs the $7 billion particle collider in Switzerland. Although they had not conducted a thorough analysis of the remains, Marsollier says they believe the creature was “a weasel, probably.” (Update: An official briefing document from CERN indicates the creature may have been a marten.)

    metaweasel
    Likely form of  the Meta-weasel
    (artist’s rendition)

    Update: An official briefing document from CERN indicates that the weasel may have been a large weasel.

    “Charred remains?” Or is that just what was left after the weasel transmogrified into its final form? Scientists with the credentials to work with the giant atom smasher should be able recognize a superhero (or super-villain) origin story when they see one. The rest of the article heads off into the glories of the Higgs Bosun like no one is even entertaining the possibility that they are living through Volume 1 Issue 1 of Rise of the Atomic Weasel.  Has no one been watching The Flash? Particle accelerators cause meta-humans. It only stands to reason that they also cause meta-weasels.

    Somebody call STAR Labs because these clowns at CERN clearly have no idea what they’re dealing with. Weasels are unsavory characters so it’s most likely that the meta-weasel is going to use his atomic weasel powers for unlawful ends. Right now he probably has the Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump campaigns in a bidding war for his services, though he probably feels more of a kinship with Trump. (If he were an atomic shrew it might be a different story.)

    Roasting chestnuts

    They take their communal bathing seriously in Iceland. Learn the appropriate customs before you go there in order to avoid an embarrassing faux pas. For instance, don’t use community blow dryers to dry your junk or your butt, because…wait…people actually do that?

    dYDJu

    ‘This is not a scrotum dryer’: Swimming pools forced to put up signs forbidding men from using hair dryers on their privates in Iceland

    Under Rule number 1 it says: ‘Don’t dry your scrotum or your behind with the communal hairdryer in the swimming pool or the gym. 

    ‘Bald older gentlemen with hairy torsos must either bring their own blow-dryers or just buy a more absorbent towel.’

    This sort of behavior has actually been well documented. Seriously, if you’re going to blow dry your nether regions, do it at home, ya bunch of weasels.

    Jim Jamitis
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