PHANTOM SWAY

    • The Weekly #Rehash: Beyoncé Is A Witch Edition

     

    #NotTodaySatan Beyoncé’s former drummer (Kimberly Thompson) filed a restraining order against the “Lemonade” singer, saying she used “extreme witchcraft” to harass her with spells of “sexual molestation”. Thompson also says Bey murdered her kitten. I’m 100% on Thompson’s side because there’s no way any person can shake their ass like that without the help of SATAN!

    #HeGone Suge Knight is going to jail for that hit and run he was involved in and he’s gonna be there a while…28 years.

    #GayIcons Because it’s 2018 Muppet puppeteer Frank Oz had to issue a public statement confirming that Sesame Street‘s Bert and Ernie were not making that sweet, sweet gay love all those years but were indeed just roommates. Carry on.

    #TearsOfAClown Miley Cyrus’ younger sister Noah is selling a vial of the tears she cried over breaking up with her crackhead boyfriend with the face tattoos…for $12,000. I don’t begrudge her. I’m only mad I didn’t think of it before she did. Keep an eye out for my Ebay auction of a vial of my sweat from walking up two flights of stairs.

    #SussexSupper Meghan Markle launched a charity cookbook in support of the victims of London’s Grenfell fire and people are losing their minds before it even hits the stands. Some say the Queen has been keeping Markle away from making public statements until she’s “learned the ropes” of royal etiquette. I say it’s a stroke of marketing genius. UK royal watchers have been desperate to hear from the Duchess and restraining her public voice means that her first solo charity project was bound to be a huge media success.

    #GilligansGoFundMe The actress who played Mary Ann Summers on the iconic Gilligan’s Island was revealed to be struggling financially as of late. The 79-yr-old was embarrassed to find fans had started a GoFundMe page to help her in her twilight years. Summers had the misfortune of being a part of a tv generation that didn’t receive the same royalty compensation that tv actors do now. She’s probably owed by the studios much more than was raised by the fans, but it’s a nice way for the fans to say “thank you” for all the years of joy she’s given television audiences.

    #Misery Maroon 5 will be performing at the Superbowl halftime show in Atlanta and Atlantians…Atlantonians…Atlantalites?…are pissed that the city that houses “Black Beverly Hills” and has produced some of the hottest black musicians in entertainment has to be subjected to the whitest band in America for halftime.

    #CrankyChase Chevy Chase says he hates SNL after watching a recent episode, calling it the “worst humor in the world”. He might be right, but Chevy hates everything, so…

    #GrabYourTeaCups The Downtown Abbey movie is happening. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

    #LeBronJam LeBron James is on board for the new Space Jam movie and so is Black Panther director Ryan Coogler.

    #AhhhhhKellyClarkson! The American Idol fav is getting her own daytime talk show. Your move, Carrie!

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    Kira Allen
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