This is your fairy godmother of matrimonial bliss coming at you with free advice — just in case you did some fool ass thing like give an engagement ring on Christmas, or plan to do some dumb ass shenanigans like pop the question on New Years Eve.
The Fairy Godmother does judge your poor life choices, by the way. But that’s what you want anyway. If you didn’t want a chubby unwed icon living her best life to tell you what to do, why the hell did you watch all that Oprah?
Anyhow, let’s get the serious business out of the way. The most important thing is the…NO. You’re wrong! Bad bride! It’s not the wedding, it’s the MARRIAGE. So you want to start it off right (and cheap!) by joining a church and getting the premarital counseling. Oh, you wanted something for free without work? Well, your last name ain’t Hilton, honey.
The other benefit of joining a church is that Father may provide your service for free (or damn near it), provided you don’t make the church staff and volunteers go to a lot of work. Did you know that you can actually obtain the sacrament of marriage at any regularly scheduled Mass? I mean, call ahead, but the less extra nonsense the priest and altar guild have to do on your behalf, the cheaper it’s going to be.
Pick a Saturday vigil Mass, and it’ll almost seem like a regular stupid commercial wedding you see all the time on TV! There will already be flowers, readings, and music. You just show up in your white dress and tell your family to sit down and shut the hell up until they read something in bold. Then say that part.
This does not work if it’s a famous, fancy, picturesque destination church. Like, Westminster Abbey is not going to comp your pomp. But if you don’t behave like a horse’s ass and play your cards right, you could end up with a very affordable ceremony and a lovely new community.
You also have to be okay with parishioners just showing up, since this is their regular Mass time. And why not? Complete strangers “crashing” your wedding like a celebrity? Now you’re a VERY special princess! No, you don’t have to invite them to the reception (but honestly what kind of hot mess bridezilla monster are you).
So now that we’ve gotten past the only important part (a sacrament in the sight of God…I am, after all, a godmother), let’s get on to your ridiculously overpriced party, which is where you’ll probably spend all your damned money anyhow. But why just throw any reception when it’s literally just an excuse to be drunk in front of Grandma?
“Traditions” are 100% out of hand. I didn’t know what a Viennese Table was until someone insisted I pay $5,000 for one, and you know what I said to that? You better fly my ass to Vienna to get that stupid table for that money. Also I broke off the engagement, but that was for reals the best plan.
It’s your wedding. After the sacrament, who cares what you do at your reception? MAKE SHIT UP. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
- “Italian Uncle”. Who cares if you’re from Uganda and your intended is Norwegian? Everybody brings your Italian Uncle Guisseppe (played with great gusto by your little sister Ashley) an airplane bottle of vodka or they don’t get a special blessing from the bride. Insist this has been in your family for generations. Get offended if anyone questions it.
- Paper Airplane Fight. Everyone writes a wish for the couple on a piece of paper, folds it into an airplane, then attempts to make somebody lose an eye.
- 21 Nerf Gun Salute. Anyone making a toast over two minutes long is pelted with Nerf darts that you have given to every guest as a favor.
- Children Are The Future. Claim you want to ensure fertility and scads of spawn by only hiring a third grade music class to play you out of the church. Bonus points if it’s entirely recorder music. Claim this is how Your People have always done it if anyone complains (they will).
- Bridal Party Twister. Those choreographed dances are so early ‘aughts. Have your DJ (or cousin with an iPod) guide you through everyone’s favorite awkward party game, preferably after shots.
- Virgin Signature Cocktail. Don’t put any alcohol in your siggy. Don’t tell anyone. Take bets with your new spouse as to who will make an idiot of themselves first.
- Phantom Menace. Keep mentioning a relative you wish could be there, but no one in your family has ever heard of this person. When someone finally questions you, tell them a medium told you about them.
- Beat the Kettle. This works especially well for anyone of Irish, Scottish, Welsh, or English heritage. But your godmother can only take you so far. You have to dream up what this allegedly centuries old tradition is. Does someone literally bang on a kettle with a spoon for some reason? Do you have to answer a question or perform a feat of endurance before a kettle whistles? Is “kettle” just a term for your brother’s new girlfriend that somehow invited herself? You decide! Most importantly, the words “Beat the Kettle” must appear on the program without any explanation. And your MC has to enthusiastically announce the beating of the kettle.
I hope these ideas spur to you to great matrimonial savings and new family and community bonds (as opposed to bail bonds, which are equally likely). If you try any of them, or come up with your own, do post them in the comments…and if there are pics, for the love of God, include them!
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